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Two

So, I was ten days late, and we were doing everything we could do to get the baby out.  Everything (laughing).  I was due to be induced the next day; I woke up at six in labor.  And John (husband) wouldn't get out of bed.  So, I suffered in silence (laughing).  John said, "Is it time to go to the hospital?  Wake me up when it is."  I called all the girls and my mom.  And your (husband's) mom.  Let's see, and I went and told Dad and Cathy (step-mom) because obviously they were up.  And so I tried to take a bath and tried to calm down, I was all excited.  I was timing my contractions, like how far apart they were, obviously.  And I tried to do everything I could, but it sucked, labor sucked obviously.  It's exciting, but it hurts, you know?  So I got really excited when it was time to go to the hospital. We got in the car, and we called everybody on the way.  Our friends were there before any of our family was, that was interesting. And we basically just waited and waited and waited.  Yeah, my labor wasn't really bad.  I was smiling up until six centimeters.  I tried to have an apple and they yelled at me.  And I just basically walked.  Twenty people showed up; it was a party.  I was lying in my hospital bed, and they had just hooked me up to the contraction monitor, and everyone was saying, "Oh there was a big one, here comes a big one!"  And that made me feel like shit, obviously.  John thought it was a party; they were sitting in my hospital bed watching Bad Santa.  They told me my labor wasn't progressing enough, so they decided they were going to break my water.  I was really excited, but then I was scared.  But it didn't hurt.  And then I gushed.  And then my contractions became hell.  Like, it was horrible, I was bruising him (husband).  The nurses were really cool.  The first one we hated, but she was only there for a couple hours.  Then I tried so hard to not get an epidural.  So I got in the bathtub, but I was in so much pain that it wasn't happening.  When they came and gave me an epidural I was totally bruising John.  It can hurt really bad, but it didn't hurt me at all because he did it during a contraction, that guy was really cool.  He knew how to do it, but only half of me went numb.  So they had to come back and he told me he had never seen a little girl need so much medicine.  Everyone was trying to make me laugh, but I looked like shit cuz the epidural had made me puke like three times.  But then after that, I was happy as could be, and they tried to give me something to make me sleep, and I hate when they try to do that, I think it is stupid.  So then the doctor kept on coming in and "feeling".   She wasn't my doctor.  And my cousin decided it would be fun to scare me and tell me how much she hated this doctor right before she came in.  She was cool she was a great doctor.  She was making me laugh.  Then, something like my cervix wasn't coming off all the way and he was turned or something.  So, I wasn't all the way dilated.  I was eight and half on one side and nine and half on the other and they were like, "Okay, we got to start pushing".  And then he was turned, so it was dangerous for him, so I was scared to do it, but then I was pushing.  And then ten minutes later or something, they were like do you want a mirror, and I didn't want a mirror, you know.  And then, "I see hair, I see hair.  I hope it's not the butt!"  And she was making me laugh.  My mom and Pauline (mother-in-law) were at the top of my head and luckily they weren't saying anything, like that's what I wanted, I wanted them to be quiet.  And then Erin and Lucy (friends) started bawling like babies, so then I started bawling.  I was fine until then, I was still laughing, and then I had a breakdown.  I didn't push for very long and I didn't want an episiotomy.  And that was in my birth plan, but we didn't even give them my birth plan actually.  They didn't even ask for it.  I didn't want the episiotomy, but in the moment she was like, "Okay, we need to do an episiotomy," and I was like, "Okay," you know, as I was in the middle of delivering him obviously.  I couldn't feel myself pushing.  And she was like, "Do it like you are going to poop, that's how you have to push," and I was like, "I can't feel it!"  I thought I was, but you can't feel anything.  So then I gave birth, well no they cut it, but that didn't hurt.  Three times they cut it.  And then his head popped and she was like, "Do you want to pull him out?"  And I said, "No, no, no!" and she was like, "No, put your hands down here".  So I put my hands down and I tried to pull him out and she laughed and said that I had to push too.  So I pushed and I pulled him out.  And then I cried like a baby.  And he barely cried.  He gave one little shriek and then the placenta part was the worst part.  Yeah, like I thought I was all done, but they push on your stomach, they don't let it birth itself.  I was in so much pain.  That thing was like a football.  That was the grossest thing I have ever seen ever.  I was in the hospital for five days.  That was a long time.  Recovery sucked, I couldn't get out of bed.  I got the shakes and a fever of like a 103 or 104 every night.  Recovery took weeks and weeks and weeks.  A big baby, he was eight pounds eleven ounces.   He was twenty one inches long and he was so cute.  He was the cutest baby ever born, but now when I look at him (pictures), he was so squished!  He had dark hair when he was born and now he's got red hair.  And he barely even cried when he got his shots and everything.  Yeah, but he peed on a nurse right away.  She was so pissed.  He was a great baby.  John changed his first diaper, actually his first twenty diapers.  I couldn't get out of bed.  When he would wake up, John would wheel him out into the hall to take care of him.  And I don't think I would ever get another child circumcised.  He almost had a cist; that was the thing we couldn't figure out.  He just got infected, like he was so swollen.  And the skin falls off, that was gross.  They say it's painless but....  Yeah, I don't think I would do it again.